A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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