anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
