can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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