so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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