She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
