When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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