Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
