I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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