I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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