Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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