there's paper in my vomit.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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