Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
