There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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