I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
