woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
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Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
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I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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