A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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