I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
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Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
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There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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