when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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