I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
did i walk over a car last night?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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