went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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