There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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