I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
