Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Randomize
