That's intense
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
