That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
