So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
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