I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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