so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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