I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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