I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
