he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
