Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
