so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
