Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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