just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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