I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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