I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She said her name was "party"
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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