All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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