my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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