remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
