its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Randomize
