Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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