I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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