when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Randomize
