There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
