You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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