Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
