just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
