Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
