A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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