Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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