I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
