I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
