Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize