just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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