So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
