dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
