Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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