Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
