my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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