New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
