1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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